Devotional Doubt
the Moon
I’ve been in deep Moon territory lately. Struggling with doubt and uncertainty in all arenas. Some folks really love this card and its associations with dreams and instinct and all that. Basically, if you’re good on psychedelics you’ve got an affinity for the Moon. That’s a little glib but also kinda true. Anyway, I’m not good on mushrooms or in the swampy, boggy, Moon waters. I prefer control. I preferred cocaine, back in my drug-doing days.
For me, The Moon largely is about a crisis of faith. But, it’s also from the Moon that faith is born, because faith is what you need in times of deep uncertainty. I pulled the Moon for this little passage from ‘My Bright Abyss’ that really illustrates it beautifully:
“Honest doubt, what I would call devotional doubt, is marked, it seems to me, by three qualities: humility, which makes one’s attitude impossible to celebrate; insufficiency, which makes it impossible to rest; and mystery, which continues to tug you upward—or at least outward—even in your lowest moments. Such doubt is painful—more painful, in fact, than any of the other forms—but its pain is active rather than passive, purifying rather than stultifying. Far beneath it, no matter how severe its drought, how thoroughly your skepticism seems to have salted the ground of your soul, faith, durable faith, is steadily taking root.” -Christian Wiman
Even as I navigate this Moon energy right now, I can sense into the roots that are deepening in me. I am feeding them on the waters of poetry and scripture and song. I can see my doubt as devotional, yes, and I can feel the mystery tugging at me, always. I still pretty much hate it. I wish I could find a way to rest in this uncertainty, but as Wiman points out, that is ‘impossible’. It is a sort of divine agitation that moves the seeker through the wilderness.
I also pulled the Moon recently for this beautiful line from Lucille Clifton’s poem ‘brothers’. Lucifer is addressing God:
‘to ask You to explain/ is to deny You’
And oh, I feel that in my bones. I demand explanations and evidence all the time: from ‘god’, from the ‘universe’….insert your word of choice for the ineffable mystery here. And I know, even while I make such demands, that I am wrong-headed to do so. I have really been sitting with this line. I probably need to print it out and keep it on the altar where I pull cards in the morning. Reminder: do not ask God to explain Themself. It’s rude.
Anyway! That’s where I am. I wanted to share in case you, too, are in a season of doubt and find it helpful to reframe it as ‘devotional’. And here’s a little spread to try:
I am demanding an explanation for this
But it cuts me off from this deeper experience
How can I navigate the uncertainty with grace…
And nourish my roots of faith?
Tarot Study Hall is this coming Sunday, August 2, at 6 PM CDT. If you’re a paid subscriber, you’ll get the link to join us on Zoom. Practicing Tarot in community is such a joy, I hope you can join!
I’m teaching a class on elemental pairs in the Tarot court on Saturday September 26. It’s a great framework for getting to know these cards intimately through their relationships with one another, and there’s lots of practical application. It will be recorded if you can’t make it live. And sign up before the end of July if you want a discount—the price will go up by $10 in August. Register here
beautiful Danielle
Yes, one of the hardest things for me is the sitting in uncertainty and being able to tolerate that state of lack of clarity. But sometimes it's necessary, answers don't come when we want them to!